I had a hard time with this writing topic. First off it seems a bit ill-timed to see the subject being “The Serial Killer” with everything that’s going on in Moncton, NB right now. Secondly, I’m not someone who has experienced a lot of ‘loss’ For two reasons (I’m seeing a pattern…) The first being that I’ve been fortunate enough to not have experienced a lot of loss in general. I could go through the women I’ve had and lost and how that’s changed me, I could go through the friends that have come and gone, the material goods I once coveted, the child that never was. I could go on a dark tirade about the ‘have nots’ and why I should still have them or whatever perspective I wanted to take on the topic but there’s just not any value, to me, in that type of discussion.
The second being that I discovered my spiritual centre in Shamanism some years back when I re-connected with my father and I was taught about how to deal with loss and that you can accept that not everything is in your life forever and that if you lose something, the best way to deal with loss is to accept that someone else might have needed it more than you. I was given the example of a cat. Say your cat ran away, heart wrenching right? You can choose to believe that your cat is out there, scared, alone, in trouble… and pine over that for however long, but there’s also a flip side to that reality that maybe your cat knew someone needed them more. Like that old lady down the street who just lost her husband and now she has no one so your cat shows up on her door step to be loved and cared for in a manner that you may have taken for granted as their owner.
It was a very interesting discussion and other examples came up like being robbed. If someone is that desperate to come and try and steal your money, it’s better to believe that they need that money more than you do, because who would go to such ends to get money, unless it was an incredible situation.
To some it might sound a bit… naive, rose-coloured even. But it’s about perspective, and I’ve always said “Perspective can change your life depending on how you look at it”
Anyway, enjoy the story.
Time to Say Goodbye
“I want you to know” I said, placing my hands on the warm banister and turning my face to bask in the radiance of the summer sun “That I’ll really miss you”
I gazed over the balcony of my 10th floor apartment, not wanting to look back inside at the hardwood floors or the rays of light bursting through the bay window that framed the university off in the distance. Even with the sun heating my apartment to a balmy 35 degrees it still seemed cold. Instead I inhaled the fresh air that came with the benefit of the nearby park. The lush trees puffed up like emerald green cotton balls. Ripe with nurture from the spring rain and summer sun, bundled together in a series of lines through out, giving the sense of nature having sectioned off a series of areas for people to rest, relax, or play.
“You don’t need to say anything, I understand that you have to go” I rambled. I didn’t want to listen to what anyone else had to say about the topic. I just needed to get it off my chest how important you were to me. I knew you’d be back eventually but that didn’t mean I was ready for you to go. “I get what they meant when they told me it was seasonal, you were a big part of the best 4 months of the year. You made me smile, laugh, and gave me memories that I’ll tell my children about one day”
My throat tightened and a ball formed in my chest, like a vice grip on my heart. I wasn’t sure if I could choke out another word without shedding a tear. Even the castle-like university on the horizon couldn’t distract me enough to put my emotions aside. Despite the vaulted peak of the clock tower that looked like it was reaching up to shake the god’s hand, despite the battlement stonework of building that held our national flag. It just wasn’t enough beauty to compare to yours.
So I chose to reminisce. It was all I could do was to remember the good times.
“remember…” I took a deep breath and smiled my most genuine smile while basking in your radiance “Remember that time I was at the bar with all my friends, I must have been there since noon until dusk when you signaled it was time to go, but you burned me so good! It was terrible but we laughed so hard about it the next day at my cherry red skin”
The memories came at me like the dam broke on emotions that I had been holding back, denying, for so long. I had so much fun that I didn’t want to believe you’d leave. I wanted to stop time and just enjoy an eternity together in this moment. I wanted to invite everyone over for one big going away party because we always had the most fun when everyone was together.
“Or-or-or” I stuttered and stumbled over my words, embarrassed that I cared this much over something so fleeting but you hung around, in silence, so I figured you wanted to hear what I had to say. Right? Of course. “that time, at the park right down there. That park where I take ChuckChuck to play fetch. It was down there that we were all playing together, eventually we had a picnic and some other dog came up and stole the ham sandwich right out of my hand! I couldn’t believe it but that’s how we met our best friend and now we all go to the park together… Well… We did… but…”
I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to admit to myself that my life was going to change without you around.
“but…” I couldn’t say the words. You started to look like you were fading as the sky started to take on a darker hue “I understand, it’s getting late and you have to go” The chill of the approaching evening grased my back softly, offering it’s support but it just wasn’t the same as the energy you gave me.
“One more thing!” A burst of courage exploded as I reached for you with all my might, my hand stretching toward the setting sun
“I’ll miss you, summer”
Thank you for reading my installment of Day 4 – Writing 101
p.s. Credit goes to a rando-blog that I stumbled upon earlier who has a dog named “ChuckChuck” I’m not allowed to own a dog because I work too much and it wouldn’t be fair so I’m going to live vicariously though them and their dog owner stories.